No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
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I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
<—- homeless romantic
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting