I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
mom gave me mine for free
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
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