Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.