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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn鈥檛 possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent鈥檚 house right now
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that鈥檚 a lot of cat gifs.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I beg your pardon?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: they didn鈥檛 have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn鈥檛 have cars
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
You鈥檙e not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they鈥檙e not one of the children in your class and you can鈥檛 speak to them like that.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I feel like maybe I shouldn鈥檛 have eaten that last taco 馃