I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.