Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!