Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Are we there yet?…
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.