me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
You Might Also Like
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
That was easy.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.