The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Had to try this trend 😊
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Generation gap…
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though