i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Venn
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Adultry does not sound fun at all