Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
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That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Finally
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Ape together strong
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.