me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing