y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
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Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher