captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
honestly, i need both:
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…