“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
🤔😂😂
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.