If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.