My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.