Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
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Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
a lot to unpack here
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.