Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
You Might Also Like
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Finally!
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?