[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
The human personality is made of five key elements
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
it was a valiant fight
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.