Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
This could be us… but you playing
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”