huge if true: the moon
You Might Also Like
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Somebody call the cops.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.