Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
☠️☠️☠️
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.