discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit