My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
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[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
For the ones in the back.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen