I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
This probably isn’t good
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”