I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
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I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
i can’t wait that long
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The 4 stages of a family vacation