I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?