I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My current situation
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.