CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
welp
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!