Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
That took me a moment.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Why font matters.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”