If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.