I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sell your car
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly