him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Planet of the Apps.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…