My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv