Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
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I like crazy people until they notice me
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably