the only bumper sticker ill allow
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well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence