2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My dad is at it again
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
⛄️
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.