I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.