My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Hank is one in a melon.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is