Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂