Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
You Might Also Like
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.