Extremely relatable.
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.