getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
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A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad