Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare