I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Webb. James Webb.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car