I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
i spent way too long on this
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.