Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes