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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight