I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
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remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My birth announcement for our third baby
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.